Lent

So, it is Lent time again. And I have decided to give up laziness and procrastination. It feels wonderful. As I tackle everyday things that I would normally create an excuse to not complete I feel empowered. I feel more like I am supposed to be. Like a ship sailing on the sea, instead of sitting tied up to a dock. It has been two weeks since I started. I wonder who I will be when Lent comes to an end? I find right now that my ambitious gene has a fire under its atom. I want to complete so many things,now. I feel excited. I feel truly alive. I am beginning to understand the importance of process and the necessity of hard work, but specifically work in general.

Wa-hoo

I have been on a "gettin' it together" kick. But I want it to be more than a kick. I want it to be my lifestyle, my life altered to another level. I am working on getting a schedule together and timing all that I wish to do this year. I'm excited. I'm ready.

And....

My first semester just ended and I feel pretty good about it. I finished my exams on Monday and went to see that new movie Precious afterwards. And can I tell ya'll what a great movie it was. It was one of those films that leaves you going, Oh my goodness! It's very real. Nothing pretty about it. But the character of Precious...well...I'll let you see for yourself, who she is...She's a caterpillar becoming a butterfly.

Corruption

After Bernie Madoff was found guilty and that Stafford guy was found guilty I thought maybe, naively, we would be done with these ridiculous ponzi schemes. But not so. Today, a guy in our town was just arrested for scamming some folks out of over a million dollars. He didn't look too upset. No fear, no sadness, nothing. I heard about his story on the news last night, and I wanted to jump through and punch him in the gut and say, "You're feelin' somethin' now huh, buddy boy!"

I am just sick of folks doin' whatever the heck they feel like to innocent folks, who have good intentions. They go to bed at night and sleep. How? How can you steal from another person and think that is okay on any level? I hope the guy here goes to jail for a long time and that he thinks about what he's done everyday. I hope that other potential or current ponzi schemers will cease their plans. Enough is enough man!

Dear Life: It's me, Keshia

Still pondering healing, but too, now, I wonder about the changed life. In my case, my changing my life. Today, I cried a lot, because I realized that I need to change my life, make better choices, and the pain and sadness and frustration that has clung to me in pockets in my life, I must deal with. I am tired of playing the life game. You know, the one where you avoid everything painful, and where you sit on the sidelines, but tell yourself you're not, because you have twenty to-do lists that reflect busy. Instead I wish to live life and simply live well aware and not asleep. I want to be in every moment, and not five miles down the road in my thoughts. I want to laugh more and have conversations with people who are no longer asleep too. The journey will be painful at times. I know because the pain that I felt today was great. Today, I'm lettin' everybody off the hook, including myself. Everyone needs some happiness in their lives. Their own harvest. Today, I decided that I want to be healed. Today I decided I want to claim my own harvest.

Healing

I've been thinking about healing lately. What is it really? I will ponder more.

Fear

Some historic figure once said that the only thing that we have to fear is fear itself. Maybe he was right. It is 6:02 in the morning and I am doing my promised activity, writing everyday, anything, no matter what. I am writing about fear today because I am afraid. I am afraid of failing my grad classes. I am afraid of not studying hard enough and I am afraid that I am going to forget everything I study. Crazy, huh? Yep! I know this but somehow I can't shake this fear. It's a very familiar feeling I have known all my life. Isn't that sad, but it's true. I have known fear all my life in all areas of my life, especially in relation to academics.

I hate studying. I always have. And even now at this level I find my hate for it ever persistent. But what's a chick to do? If I want to do well I have to study. Maybe I'll research study techniques. Maybe I don't know how to study, maybe that's why I don't study at all.

But my fear of failure is pretty big. Facing my fears is pretty big. I hate fear. I hate it. I hate the sleepless nights it gives me, and the bathroom runs, and the shaking in my hands and yet...I walk through it everytime, because I know that if I do not, what I fear will paralyze me.

I am afraid and I can admit it. But I've come to a point in my life now, where I am tired of being afraid. Whatever I was getting out of it just isn't enough anymore to continue like this. I think I am going to give myself a new nickname, "Fearless". No more fear. No more! Yep, I said it, now it's time to go out there and live it.